Hurricanes, earthquakes, floods and wildfires. It’s not uncommon for TV Evangelicals, especially when they are trying to raise money, to claim that the acceptance of homosexuality is what has triggered God’s wrath and caused these natural disasters. This, of course, is ludicrous. Yet, they keep on promoting these absurdities. Have you ever heard of gay people being called child molesters or groomers? These are all efforts at shaming. There are countless other ways you can be shamed. It’s all about control. Truth is irrelevant.
Effects of Shame
Shame is a rejection of who a person is. Shame shows up in your relationships and adversely affects your ability to relate. It makes you feel unworthy of love. When interacting with people, do you feel that:
- You don’t have a good enough personality?
- You are not smart enough. (Others are much smarter than I.)?
- Features on your face are too _________ to be considered attractive. (You fill in the blank.)?
- Your body is not like everyone else’s; it is oddly shaped?
- Your penis is not big enough or is misshapen or doesn’t have a good enough angle?
- You could never succeed at work?
- You constantly focus on the differences and ignore the similarities?
Shame casts a pall over your entire identity. You are less than human.
The Antidote to Shame
All your attitudes about yourself are ultimately a choice. You can focus on the good or the bad. People want to feel good about themselves. What’s wrong with that? Considering yourself inadequate is a way of avoiding behavior that will incite the shamers. It digs in subconsciously.
If you believe that every person has worth, then shaming is never appropriate.
The way to deal with shame is to, first, identify it, and then focus on what the shamers are doing—depriving you of essential human needs. Anger is appropriate in situations like this. Understand that shamers are interfering in your life because they harbor some sort of fear. Rather than dealing with this fear, they go after you.
Guilt
One final comment: the difference between shame and guilt is that guilt applies to behavior and not identity. Notwithstanding jokes about Jewish and Catholic guilt, guilt can be a helpful emotion when you fail to live up to the value system you have consciously adopted. Like shame, guilt can be inappropriately used as a tool to control others.